Aside

Today I sat and listened to trills played by a world class violinist for a small group in the theater I work in. I looked up at the trompe l’oeil urns on the wall, higher than 2 men, and the imported cut crystal on the fixtures. I looked at the carved plaster bouquets, and again I found gratitude. I found welling up in me, in time to the melody, gratitude for my life.

I have struggled to find that gratitude. I have been stumbling heart broken. I am empty. I don’t trust anymore. It’s exceedingly hard not to see the tarnished side of the penny. Everything looks ugly and unappealing. 

But this moment, I realized that I get to spend everyday in a theater that inspires awe. People are amazed when I take them where I work. Everything is handcrafted workmanship by artisans. The carpet is a custom design. Sure, I think the fountain mermaids look like they are playing with their nipples and I can tell you the most secluded bathroom to use, but  the Christmas tree they put up every year is 2 stories high. 

And yet I can go from the opulence of the theater I work in everyday to displaying my art in a gallery that is being built from the ground up by the artists themselves. These amazing people have welcomed me heartily, with kind hearts and generosity, even as they struggle to have heat and keep the pipes from freezing in the cold. 

And in between of these worlds, is my existence. I am the cultivation of 34 years on this planet. I have read, watched, and listened. I give until it hurts and everyday I learn to accept what is given. I am rich, not in monetary terms, because despite being surrounded by imported marble, I make a non profit salary have no doubt. I am rich because I am loved by good people.It’s an eye opening moment when you profess to be at your weakest only to be met with an outpouring of support. I have a warm home and 3 cats waiting to see me with big eyes and unconditional hearts. 

I hold out hope. I haven’t given up that when the time is right, I will find someone who deserves everything I have to offer. But I will be more concerned with taking the time to figure out myself. I will fill my life with art, volunteering, and finding goals to conquer. I do not need to subscribe to someone else’s vision. In this new era, I will discover my own.

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